Four years have passed since I wrote on this blog. So much can take place in four years. It has taken me a long time to write again but I want to share some of my story with you. After going through a hard season it can feel difficult to do the things that you used to do. You feel like a different person because pain and beauty change you. Four years ago I did not realize that God was fulfilling a long sought out prayer – “Purify me Lord. Heal me.” I was in the beginning of a healing process I had been crying out for.
In the beginning of this journey He gave me Jeremiah 30:17 as a promise. It says, “For I will restore you to health And I will heal you of your wounds,’ declares the LORD, ‘Because they have called you an outcast, saying: “It is Zion; no one cares for her.”‘ ♥
After my first semester of college many of my struggles started to come to the surface. College has a way of showing you things about yourself that you did not know. I realized how co-dependent I was on others; how overly responsible I felt for people who were not my responsibility. My life was built around the needs of others under the guise of ministry and good works. I loved God with all my heart but I had no idea just how much He loved me.
My identity was wrapped up in what I could do for God not what He had done for me. I was trying to earn His love and did not even realize it.
When my unhealthy and co-dependent behaviors landed me in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship all my issues came to the surface. I went from being a very happy and vibrant person to depressed, discouraged and ashamed. Because I been doing ministry so long I had no idea how much of my identity was built up by approval of man and performing for God. My heart was broken because I felt like I had failed God. I had all these grand plans of how things would be when I would go off to school. I planned to go and pursue God and not get involved with anyone unless I knew it was God. Satan was sneaky. I became friends with an individual with no intention of a relationship, just to be there for them as a friend.
What I did not realize was that I was just a broken as they were. I had hurts from my past that were festering and needed healing. After being emotionally and verbally abused I felt like I was unworthy of love. I had hurt this person and I had become distracted. I was covered in shame. I lived under shame because I was bound in religion. God was not shaming me. I was shaming myself.
Not only did I need healing but I needed deliverance from performing for love. After going through counseling and receiving God’s love I have received healing in the areas where I was abused and from previous issues from my childhood. All of us have areas that we need healing. Healing is a process. Freedom is a process as well.
Many people do not realize that for every wound that you receive it comes with a lie. Wounds are the perfect opportunity for the enemy to whisper his lies into our lives. He had been whispering for a long time before I went to college. That was just the culmination of every wound I had previously received. No matter how great my parents tried to raise me I was still hurt along the way.
I did not always process those wounds well. I came to believe that I was most lovable when I did well and accomplished much. That affected my relationship with God. I believe He loved me more when I did more. When I messed it up I believed He withdrew Himself. Before college I felt very close to Him because I felt I was doing all the right things most of the time. My relationship was based on my works not His finished work at the cross.
Thankfully God took me on a journey of recovery and freedom. He set my free from depression, anxiety and shame. His love has restored my purpose and given my back my joy. He has shown me that my worth, value and identity were truly settled at the cross. His love is truly UNCONDITIONAL. It is not just a good idea.
He has shown me that religion will kill you but Jesus will heal you.
This journey was a process that I want to share with all of you! If you are walking through depression, anxiety, loneliness, suicide and feeling disconnected from the Father these posts are for you. The first key is understanding your identity in Jesus as the righteousness of God and learning to receive His love. Most people do not understand righteousness or what it even means to be righteous. This was the first thing God started to teach me during my healing process and it has changed my life.
There is hope. There is healing! You will not feel this way forever. Remember that promise He gave me from Jeremiah 30:17?
For I will restore you to health And I will heal you of your wounds,’ declares the LORD, ‘Because they have called you an outcast, saying: “It is Zion; no one cares for her.” ♥
God is more passionate about our healing and freedom than even we are! My life is proof that God is faithful to heal and restore every part of our lives. He is still doing it! Feel free to comment below and share your testimonies and struggles!
His Shameless Daughter Nellie